Want to Build a Great Relationship?
Be a Great Listener

There are times when you specifically remember a great conversation. Most often, it is relatively balanced amongst the participants. Some authentically curious questions are posed, perhaps a few of them even off the wall, and there are some nitty-gritty answers with that occasional surprising revelation. Yes, this is a conversation to remember.

And then, once in a while, there are some great one-sided conversations you remember and they can even be to your advantage. What does that mean? You were such a good listener, the other person walked away thinking you were the best conversationalist ever! And what did you get out of it? A lot of information because you listened more than you talked. . . and well . . . you also got to be the hero.

I had just such a conversation not long ago with a new business associate. We had targeted three hours for a getting acquainted session to evaluate our ability to work together. My new colleague did nearly all the talking and in fact she hardly came up for air. Occasionally, or perhaps rarely, is more fitting, I was able to interject a word, thought or question.

A little more than 2 ½ hours into the "conversation", she looked at her watch and suddenly realized that our time together would soon be ending and she had not asked a single question about me, my business or anything. "How much can you tell me about yourself in the next 20 minutes?" she asked. I shared a few pertinent things and then suggested we continue at another time.

Surprisingly, I was not upset about not "getting my turn". I had gained extremely valuable information. The mere fact that she hardly came up for air gave me some clues about any relationship we would have. She either had a tremendous need to talk about herself . . . sometimes a note of insecurity, or she thought her information was so valuable I needed to know everything I could absorb or she was totally insensitive to what new relationships (or old for that matter) are about. I needed at least another session to make that judgment. In that moment, I decided to look at it as a fruitful beginning of a new potential journey.

A wise decision. She was so appreciative for my listening, she went out of her way to send me a good deal of business in a very short time. We never became partners in any business ventures, yet we have been able to refer business to each other regularly.

The lesson? Listen and reap the benefits.

Here are some tips for becoming a listener who people admire:

• If you are the outgoing type, mentally prepare yourself to listen.
• Whether standing or sitting, lean in (but not too closely) and focus your conversation on the other person.
• Concentrate on the person without looking at people moving around you.
• Keep your arms and hands in an open, unfolded position.
• Give others the opportunity to speak; you learn more from active listening; you already know about yourself and really don’t need to hear yourself talk!
• People like to talk about themselves; encourage them to do so; yet not past your point of tolerance.
• Ask questions, especially open-ended ones that require more than a yes or no response.  (They give people an opportunity to open up . . . and for you to learn more about them.)
• Listen to the answers and comment when appropriate.
• As the other person’s interests begin to unfold, ask more in-depth questions about the topic.
• Do not prepare your next response while someone is speaking. (If you only catch the gist of something said, your rehearsed response may be inappropriate.)
• When the timing is right, try to verify the point the person is making by asking him/her to clarify that you have the correct understanding.
• When you hear something positive, pick up on it and continue in that direction.

Relationships are built on listening and feedback. They are also built on helping others; but that is for another column.

Contact Heshie at HeshieS@TheNationalNetworker.com or via TNNW Blog.
 

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